To NOT Do

THINGS GUYS JUST SHOULDN’T SAY ON A FIRST DATE:

  • That’s a cute nose you got there. Can I touch it? (uh, no. that’s my nose. Nobody, NOBODY touches my nose.)
  • That shirt is ayyyy-takes a tour of Europe-yyydorable! Where’d ya get it? *gaydar ringing*
  • Ya know, I’ve just been waiting for the perfect little THING to waltz my way. And now, you’re here. (thing? Well, waiter? Check!)
  • Your eyes are so pretty. They remind me of pretty eyes. (no shit)
  • You’re getting the salad, the pasta AND the pizza? Weeeeell, okay. (you did not just say that. You did not. You mind me eating food? You did not.)
  • Your lipstick looks so shiny and slimy there, I wanna skip lunch and feed on it. (what! Wh—what!)
  • Can we, uh, *looks sleazily* skip lunch and get down to desert? (no, I hadn’t even touched my chicken yet! And desert? God!)
  • I don’t usually do one night stands but, hey, I can make exceptions, whaddaya say? (I aint dying for your lanky-ass body. Shut up and lemme eat my chicken.)
  • you read twilight too? Oh my god, don’t you think Edward is just the sexiest thaaang ever? (really? Trying to connect over Edward? He’s a dead pedophile. Really?)
  • You, sista, look like a piece of work. (NO. NO.)
  • I’m not much of a reader, but I like to watch, if ya know what I mean..! *excessive winks* (you need help.)
  • Your hand seems so lonely there. Let my hand give it company. (my hand is just itching to give your face company. SMACK.)
  • You do the cutest little thing with your lips when you smile. My dog does the same thing! (are you out of your mind? No? well, go on a date with your dog, then.)
  • Come on, let’s make another date out of this. I’ll make you fall in love with love. (you have more cheese than my double cheese mozzarella cheese pasta.)
  • You got a rockin’ bod, mothaa! (you got a knack for killing dictionaries with your mouth, brodaa!)
  • So, lunch was great! Oh hell, where’d I leave that wallet of mine? (I have half a mind to fling the table right at your face, you pathetic dick.)
  • You don’t like guys paying? Well, where have ya been all my life?! (NO. NO.)
  • I am not going to pull your chair for you. I know independent women don’t like that. (chivalry appreciated at all times. ALL TIMES. Independent or not.)
  • Why haven’t you touched your food? Do you not like me? Am I over-bearing? Am I smothering you already? (um, YES! Mentally, I’m already halfway to Canada by now!)
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