To drink or not to drink

Drinking with friends isn’t as fun as it is advertised to be. I mean, apart from the drunken brawls, and the open environment to all sorts of uncomfortable questions, it’s a pain.

Somehow, your entire personality is completely defined by your choice of alcohol.

You’re a 19 year old guy? Ordering a breezer? Might as well kill yourself, homie.

You’re a 19 year old girl? Ohmigosh, are you actually, like, ordering beer? Like, seriously? Oh god, girl, you are totes a lesbian. *giggles uncontrollably*

You’re a 40+ guy ordering anything but a glass of old monk? *whispers* I always knew he was a gay perv.

I’m 18, I’m a girl and I drink beer. Because I like beer.

I’m 18, I’m a girl and I drink vodka. Not because I am a girl and that’s all we drink.

I’m 18, I’m a girl and I drink old monk. No, I don’t secretly like older dudes. I just like old monk.

I’m 18, I’m a girl and I drink breezers. No, not because I’m a kid. Because, sometimes, believe it or not, I do like to stay sober and know my whereabouts at all times. Fathom that.

I’m 18, I’m a girl and…. Jesus, I drink a lot.

Now I’m sad.

Anywhooo, it is a constant cockfight. Especially with stereotypes like girls like only vodka. I once asked a girl friend, out of curiosity, which drink she preferred to drink.

This is what she said, I kid you not.

“vodka! Duh! Like, old monk? 1980’s, right?!”

So, girls also believe in old husbands’ tales like ‘girls drink only vodka’. I had another friend, easily influenced. I worried about her a lot. Rightfully.

We were at a party some time back. When the waiter asked her what she would like to have, she said vodka.

When her drink made it to her hand, she took a sip, winced visibly, shuddered slightly, and then proceeded to take another sip.

When asked later, she confided in me that she was scared of being put aside as an outcast because she was a girl and didn’t like vodka. She was a breezer-only kinda girl. Those exist, you know. They’re legit.

So what if you’re a 40+ dude, sipping an appletini out of a cosmo glass? Does that mean you’re gay?

Am i?

What you drink doesn’t define you, last time I checked. What you do defines you.

If you are a macho man, sipping vodka, but you open doors for women and are respectful with your girlfriends, you’re a great guy.

If you are a macho man, sipping beer, slappin’ waitresses on the butt, dating girls just to sleep with them, being a jerk to lesser people, you are a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Oh, and if you are in college, and haven’t chugged a beer, go drive off the nearest cliff, man, because you are a dork.

Rock bottom for our generation, honestly. 

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